Tuesday, March 30, 2010

5 Ways to Save Your Marriage

I have come up with a list of ideas to help save your marriage.  You might not even know it's in distress until you read my list.  If you aren't taking care of these things you (or most likely your husband) could be slowly poisoning your marriage so listen up!

1.  You must put the toilet paper roll on with the paper coming from the top!  This will save you many many fights and awkward moments in the bathroom.  Trust me!  I've trained the mister and now we live in blissful bathroom harmony.
2.  You must must must squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube. 
3.  Install two sinks in your bathroom.  This avoids the toothpaste and hair gobs ownership fights all together.  It is also quite convenient when it comes time to spit out your toothpaste and your spouse likes to stand directly in front of the sink blocking your access.

4.  Get a king sized bed.  This one is unavoidably the most essential thing to a successful marriage.  In a queen sized bed (you know the kind you picked out as newly weds who were sure they were going to spend every minute snuggling-- gag gag) you are seriously limited in your space.  Once kids enter into the picture you don't want to risk a quick brush with your husband in a sleepy stooper because he most definitely will interpret this as foreplay.  If you are indeed a mother and in need of your sleep-- you need a buffer to avoid these kinds of mishaps or I promise you your motherhood will blossom again in about 9 months.  Do you see the risk you are putting yourself in here?  I repeat-- a king bed is essential!
5.  Put your dirty underwear in the hamper.  Yeah, I mean all the way into the hamper.  Not next to or beside or even in the same hallway-- all the way in people!  That's just common sense.


Feeew!  I am so glad to have helped you save your crumbling marriages.  It's such a relief to know that happiness will now be spreading around the world because of this fine advice!  Go, enjoy your bliss, you're very welcome!

8 comments:

annie said...

I am impressed that your hubby actually puts toilet paper back on the holder - let alone paper on top style - please tell your secret of training! I agree with the hamper thing too- which also should apply to dishes in the sink, not on the side!

d.n.williamson said...

I'm an "under" gal when it comes to TP...

juli said...

Oh my gosh aleca! I do think I totally love you!

Macey said...

That is exactly why we got a King Size Bed. It leaves no questions in Ryan's mind as to how I'm feeling. It also gives you a little more space to avoid morning breath.

Beth said...

SO with you on ALL of these. I really think we could be friends. Seriously. Let me find my husband and have him read this list......

Estee said...

Completely new here, I so LOLed at this post!
Except for the toilet paper, all the other stuff are exactly what hubby says to me... And the king size bed, the best thing ever, especially in the summer.

Kent said...

OK. As apparently the only guy to post a reply yet, let me just say if you can teach my WIFE how to put the toilet paper back on the roll we'd be off to a great start.

I think she doesn't do it now as simply a joke with me, but sometimes I wonder......

A great post though and I had to read the section about the King Size bed to my wife. I may regret that later though as we have a queen size bed now and she may try using that as ammo with me to buy a new bed. Nuts......

Sam Anna said...

Yep, you're hilarious!! Loved this post (and all the ones preceding it!), but this one made me sure that we're totally friends already! :-)

Related Posts with Thumbnails