My Maid

For many years I have wanted to hire a maid. There are times when my life seems so overwhelming I have wished that I had a maid to pick up my slack. Here is the problem. Almost every Saturday, as I'm leaning over the toilet bowl scrubbing away, I find myself thinking of how wonderful it would be to have someone else doing my work right now. Then I think, well, I wouldn't want them to see the house like this. I know I'd be the idiot that hires a maid and then tries to clean up a little bit before she comes over. I wouldn't want her to think that I'm a slob. I do the same thing when we stay at a hotel. I pile up the used towels in the bathroom, I pull the covers up on the bed, I throw out the trash that has collected around the room. I wouldn't want them to think that we are pigs or anything. I know that this totally defeats the purpose of having a maid. So I've conceded to the fact that I can never ever have a maid. However, this is a depressing circle of conclusion to come to while I'm cleaning up pee under the toilet seat for the three hundred millionth time. Ugh! Maybe, I need a maid...

How cool would it be to be an actor? Every year all the snootie tootie people who have glamorous jobs and swanky life styles get together and congratulate themselves for how great they are. It's called the Oscars, the Emmy's, the Golden Globes-- whatever you can think of, they've got an award for that. In what other profession do they have a televised broadcast for a job well done? I think it's ridiculous. Can you imagine that on the real world level? "...and the award for best garbage pick up goes to..." "...and for his supporting roll in removing a kidney stone..." "...most aggressive Wal-Mart greeter this year goes to..." I mean please-- get real.

I HATE black socks. I adore my Hanes cotton crew white socks. They are soft and comfortable. They hug my feet and make me feel nice all day long. As many of you know, it's considered the most heinous crime against fashion to wear white socks. Why ? Why? Why can't I wear my beloved white crew socks. Every morning when it's time to put on my socks, I open my drawer and stare. It is filled with white fuzzy socks and black lame snooty socks. Everyday I force myself to put on my black socks to face the world. I despise you black socks. I despise you for the black toe fuzzies you leave on me at night when I take you off. I despise you for the black strings that wedge their way between my toes. Most of all, I hate you black socks because you are not inviting, comfortable and fuzzy.

So, I have designated one day a week to myself for my white sock obsession. If you see me on a Friday, I will most likely be wearing white socks. Fridays are the day of me. It's my day to do whatever I please. White socks make me happy. I so love you white socks. See you Friday...

Laundry Pains

I have recently discovered this little gem that has made my life cake. I totally and completely hate doing laundry. I go through 2-4 loads a day with a large capacity washer. I know, it's obscene. If there is anything that could make this chore less daunting-- I've found it. This is a sheet that you just throw in with your clothes. No measuring, no big heavy bottles and no thinking. You just throw it in and walk away. It's man and kid proof. You can not do this wrong. It even works for an H.E. machine. When you switch your clothes to the dryer, the sheet stays with everything and acts as a static guard too. Yippeee! Thank you Purex for hearing my silent cries for help. I love you!
As if that wasn't enough, I also found this at the store yesterday. It's a dryer bar that sticks to the inside of your dryer for two months. You never have to remember those pesky dryer sheets again. You won't find your dryer sheet under the bed, in drawers, up sleeves and creeping out of your jeans again. Genius! What's better-- it's only $5! Enjoy!

It's January and in keeping with the annual tradition of improving myself, I decided to get a little exercise.

DAY 1:

I squeeze into my workout clothes and head down stairs to do a little stretching. The dog starts a war with my socks and takes off with one of them. I track down the lone sock and go dust off my aerobic DVD. As the DVD is coming up I remember that this work out requires hand weights. I pause the DVD and look for my equipment. Twenty seven minutes later, weights in hand, I am ready to proceed. Five minutes into the workout I question myself. Ten minutes in I start thinking of reasons to quit. Fifteen minutes in the dog is sitting on my stomach while I am trying to do ab crunches. At twenty minutes the phone rings and I am released from my personal hell. Not exactly what I hoped for but workout was completed.

Day 2:

I decide to take the dog for a long walk. I bundle up, find my cell phone, grab the ipod, coat up the dog and we're out the door. We make it to the end of the driveway and we pause. I swear my dog is staring at me like I'm a looney. It's freezing and my face is starting to burn. We turn into the wind and we make it about a quarter of a mile. I turn around and properly freeze the other side of my body, just to even things out. I see the end of my driveway and the dog is actually tugging me towards home for once in his wee little life. We burst through the door in a blurry of cold about nine minutes after we left. Work out kinda completed.

Day 3:

I buy new work out clothes to make me want to exercise. I buy a new DVD, a pretty new mat, some new weights and now I am surely ready to conquer my goal... tomorrow.

Day 4:

I am all geared up and ready to kick some butt. My sister calls and invites me to breakfast...

Day 5:

I'm back to the DVD and I'm ready to strangle the skinny jerk telling me what to do. Just to tick her off, I skip the cool down. That'll teach her.

Day 6:

I think I'm officially done with the new me. I like the old me better anyway.

My Followers

If you are hoping to read more straight from my brain then start following me! I have added a gadget to the right side bar. Just click and add yourself. It's that simple. I like you. I hope you come back for more.

Movie Madness

Last night the mister and I went out on a hot hot date. We started with dinner and ended with a movie. Now, that might sound like a yawn fest to some of you but hey, it's our kind of fun. We went to a fun Mexican restaurant near us and we always have to get the table side guacamole. I have seen this done many many times and I can never get it quite right when I get home. I think I was freaking the guac guy out I was staring so hard. No matter, I think I have perfected the recipe and guac guy was willing to over look my freakishness once I stuffed his tip jar.

Then comes the awkward part of the date for the mister and I. I like to go to Target and buy some candy and a water bottle so I don't have to pay three million dollars for a treat at the movies. This has been a source of contention for us for many years. The mister thinks its wrong to sneak treats into the movies. It is assumed at most theaters that they prefer you not to bring your own contraband. Case in point; Rewind about twenty years or so. My sister and I are sitting in a dark movie theater watching Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. We have slipped in two bottles of Clearly Canadian and we are both enjoying them with discretion. I have gulped mine down before Bill and Ted discover the phone booth. My sister however, enjoys drawing out her enjoyments a bit. This time it came back to bite her. An oily teenager with a movie theater vest comes in with a flashlight and busts us for our illegal beverage sneak. He takes hers away! She hasn't even had half of it yet. She is outraged! I am outraged! How can they do this to us?!?! It's not like it's against the law! The mister thinks that it is dishonest to sneak and I say-- bring it on! First they slap you with $12 to get in (it was 3-D) and then they charge you 6 bucks for some popcorn. POPCORN! Everybody knows it's the cheapest stuff on earth. I will not stand for this blatant price tweaking. Sure I'll have to pay the bloated price to get in the door. (By the time we pay to get in, it's basically the price of the DVD in a few months.) But that's where this dance ends for me. I WILL HAVE MY MOVIE AND MY CANDY TOO! This one is for you and your controversial Clearly Canadian little sis! To sneak or not to sneak-- that is the question...

Chocolate

There are moments in your life when the entire world seems to be against you. Things get out of control and the only thing that helps you through your pain is chocolate. Chocolate never lets you down. It does not judge you. It smooths out kinks in your brain and helps you make sense of your own chaos. Chocolate is my friend. It is most calming to me in the form of cookies, cakes and baked goods. Last night I reached out to my friend chocolate and this is how he spoke to me.


Mint Brownies

Take one box mix of brownies and follow the directions as stated on the box. Then mix in one bag of mint chips (or as I prefer Andes Candies mint baking chunks). Bake as directed.

While your brownies are baking and filling your house with their intoxicating aroma, you can prepare your finishing touches.


My Secret Chocolate Frosting

1 stick of butter (softened)
1tsp. vanilla extract
2-3 C. powdered sugar (depending on the thickness you desire)
1/4 tsp. salt
2 T. milk
2-3 T. of cocoa powdered (the more the powder, the darker chocolate the taste)


Frost cooled brownies.

Pour yourself a big glass of icy cold milk. Grab a big piece of brownie (or sit down with the whole pan-- I won't tell). Then go to the couch, put your feet up and turn on your favorite show. Take a break, you really do deserve it.

Book Review

I love to read. It takes me to a secret place that I cannot be disturbed. I feel like an invisible witness to a world I would otherwise never be part of. I enjoy learning about so many things from the safety of my living room. Me and books, we are best friends. So many times I read things and wish that I had someone to share them with. I already try to push my books on my husband, but he is very particular in what interests him. So that leaves me you...


I have the perfect way to pick a really good book. I go to Target and I look through their best sellers shelves. If the book is on an end-cap, it's usually a really good read. If it's in the "made into a movie" section-- you hit the jack-pot. I figure if it was captivating enough to be made into a movie, it's going to be a whopper of a book. Never, never under any circumstances, see the movie first. The book is always ALWAYS better. But I'm usually tempted to see my favorite books on the big screen (only after I've read them). Although I must warn you. Don't go to the movies expecting anything less than seeing your beloved book being slashed and cut to fit into a two hour time slot. Sorry, it's the rules.


Anyway, I recently finished reading (well, a lot of books actually... I average 1-2 a week) "The Time Traveler's Wife" by Audrey Niffenegger.I have discovered that I love books that immerse you into a world of absolute fiction and make you feel as though it's completely true. When I open these kinds of books, the rules and guidelines are laid out for the basic story and then it explodes into a world that takes your breath away. The concept of "The Time Traveler's Wife" could never really happen in real life. Yet I found myself crying and cheering for something that had never occurred to me before discovering this book. If you would like to get lost in a world where your problems will melt away into the back ground-- this is your book. It takes off at a brisk pace and keeps your mind swirling until the very end. I was entranced with the author's language. Audrey Niffenegger has become on of my new favorites. She made the book come alive with her unorthodox writing style. It's as if you have entered the character's souls. I hope you enjoy this mystical story.
After finishing "The Time Traveler's Wife" I was eager to find anything else that Audrey Niffenegger had to offer. It just so happened that her latest book was being released shortly after I finished her last book. "Her Fearful Symmetry" was an intoxicating spell. I could not put it down. It did not lull and satisfy my like a classic romance would. I disturbed me to my very core. I found myself thinking through every angle of this book trying to make sense for the characters. I hoped it would go in one direction and then she would push you in another. I did not know what was coming next. She turned me inside out with this chilling tale. It is quite worth your time. But I'm warning you, it will occupy your mind for days to come.

Skin!?!

I am old. At least I thought I was until I looked in the mirror and saw the skin of a 13 year old. It's true! The older I get the weirder my skin is getting. I have zits that I never had in high school. My forehead could end the war over oil and supply nations. But my hands are cracked and dry from cold weather and excess hand washing. Don't even get me started about my feet!

When does it end?

If my body could coordinate with itself and take oil from places and put it in others, that would be nice. But then again my body and I have been at war since I started having kids. It's an evil trick of age and experience.

Any suggestions?

Confession...

Since the time when I was first married and started having sex, I have bought perhaps more than my fair share of pregnancy tests. It's an obsession of mine. When we first started having sex, I was always worried that I was pregnant. I wasn't quite ready to have a baby but if it happened it wasn't the end of the world. I knew that kids were in the picture for us somewhere down the road; I just wasn't sure when. So, I bought a few pregnancy test to have around the house-- just in case. If you are like me at all, when your period does not come the minute it is suppose to you are locked in your bathroom, sitting on the floor, staring at a stick that you just peed on with all the concentration of your very soul.

Lesson Learned: Just because you have sex, doesn't mean that you are going to be in the .0000000000000009% that get pregnant using protection.

Several months into this I started to catch on that I didn't need to panic and run through a review of our sexual escapades in my mind every single month. I started to relax and a few short months later we decided to start trying to get pregnant. Now I was on the other end of the stick controversy. I was now trying to turn that dash into a plus sign by staring a hole into it for the three minutes the stupid test tells you to wait.

Lesson Learned: You cannot change the results with your thoughts.


Through out this entire process and almost twelve years into our marriage, I have been stock piling pregnancy tests. I don't care how much protection we use, it is always in the back of my mind. I never want to be that person with the "oopsie" pregnancy that other people smirk at. No thank you!

This leads me to my tip of the day:

They sell pregnancy tests at the dollar store. Yes, the dollar store! This discovery has saved my mind and my check book. I can buy oodles of tests for the price that they gouge you for at the regular stores. The only draw back is standing in line with about 20 tests does tend to draw stares. I'm just paranoid enough, that I don't even care what they think about me. I'll take 5 more please!



Eventually we had kids-- lots of them. We have four beautiful children and I have since been fixed. Although I must confess, I still have a small stash of pregnancy tests in the back of my drawer-- you never know.

For Cheaters

I know you are thinking that you are above cheating. Well, not me—at least when it comes to cooking that is. I find that you can’t be perfect all of the time. To be realistic, you won’t be making things from scratch every day of the week. Here are a few tips that I use to speed up a few of my favorite dishes.

Spaghetti

1 jar of your favorite brand of spaghetti sauce
(If you have super picky eaters that don’t like to see their veggies try Ragu organic—no chunks.)

Now have some fun with a few add ins:

Try one of these meats,

1 lb. cooked and ground beef
½ lb. cooked and cut chicken

Then add,
1 C. mozzarella cheese

It sounds easy but it’s super yummy.

Another variation is:

½-1 lb. spicy Italian sausage links cut up
8 oz. fresh sliced mushrooms
1 red pepper cleaned and diced
1 C. mozzarella cheese
(cook all of the sausage, mushrooms and peppers in a splash of olive oil for a few minutes and then add the sauce and cheese. You will not be disappointed!)

Don’t forget to cook some of your favorite pasta to compliment your amazing sauce.

Happy Cheating!

The Mommy Clip

So I was shopping at Target yesterday and I discovered this in the baby section. It's called "the mommy clip." Have you ever been shopping with a stroller and you have so many packages that you can't keep them all balanced? This is the perfect solution. I wish that they would have had this little baby years ago. I love it! Better yet, it's only $8. Convenience and price all in one. YEEEHOOO!